LDL AND HDL CHOLESTEROL BATTLE FOR SUPREMACY AT US OPEN FOOD COURT

Flushing Meadows, Queens-HDL, LDL and wild card entry Triglycerides are the first three semifinalist of the US Open Food Court draw at the USTA Billy Jean King National Tennis Center.

One of the most under the radar events at this year’s US Open is in the animal kingdom as homo sapiens make their annual pilgrimage to the US Open food court.  This mano o mano standoff between the finely tuned orthodontics of modern man vs the American slaughtered solitary corn fed cow.

Growing crowds are starting to take notice as Sushi bar and Tapas were eliminated early in the tournament along with Angry Taco and Crepe Express even though the French are flourishing in the Men’s Open category. A fan favorite to make the last and final spot in the semi-finals is Caffeine as the coffee beans are flowing organically from barista’s since day one of the event along with the high fructose laden soda’s that don’t seem to be slowing down anytime soon.

Sex appeal isn't enough to carry fruit very far at the US Open.
Sex appeal isn’t enough to carry fruit very far at the US Open.

One barrier to entry for many healthy and organic food choices at the US Open is marketing budget and brand recognition.  As ambassador Chiquita Banana Lady explained: “It’s hard to super size our product”.  Not so in the LDL entrant which can upgrade orders with high margin efficiency.  Prime Burger feeds LDL steadily throughout the fortnight as 1% income earners in the box and luxury seats and 99% income earners both have equal access to the high LDL food choices that challenge healthy artery membrane structure.

“We strive for equality at the USTA and don’t believe anyone should be judged by their dietary lifestyle”, said a USTA spokesperson who wished to remain anonymous for this story.

The only common denominator that levels the playing field is price.  As soft pretzel, fries and hot dogs are just as expensive in the 300 level as any vitamin rich tuna sandwich available in the luxury suites.  Not surprisingly to many, the Heinken Red Star lounge stumbled in the second round of qualifying and the Grey Goose entrant Honey Deuce bowed out in the second round in a fit of irony carrying too much garnish.

As the USTA brand grows while trying to make tennis more accessible and healthy for American’s to participate in they continue on charging high prices for energy sources and dining experiences that keep the heart disease in the United States flourishing.

Las Vegas has the following odds on winning the cherished US Open food court prize:  Caffeine 1;2 LDL 3:1, HDL 5:1 followed by Triglycerides at 10:1.  “It’s hard to beat caffeine it’s in every beverage imaginable and has a clear hydration advantage over it’s beefy counter parts” says tournament director Brian Early.  Naturally, weather will be a key factor in the outcome.

On a alternative note: Wimbledon is in talks of holding a grass fed cow category at the 2020 Wimbledon showing clear foresight to the future of the game and healthy beef alternatives.

Brian Lutz

The Lemon: Imagination Six. Tolerance Love.

MILLENNIALS TARGETED: US OPEN UNVEILS “NO LINES-NET FREE” TENNIS COURT

THE LEMON: IMAGINATION SIX. TOLERANCE LOVE.

Flushing Meadows, NY- Is this John McEnroe’s worst nightmare?

To simplify and make the sport more attractive to millennials who seek activities without boundaries and limitations the USTA has unveiled its cutting edge “line less” and “net free” tennis court.

“In order to evolve and compete in the marketplace for the highly sought after and influential millennial generation the USTA is leading the American sports landscape with what we are calling boundary free and obstruction free tennis courts” announced USTA President Katrina Adams.

A branded blue shadow of the old boundaries will still remain on the court as a tribute to our past but it will be for aesthetic only.

Starting this year, players will not have the burden of playing their shots within the rectangular boundaries that used to measure 36 feet wide by 78 feet long.  Local legend, John McEnroe was looking on in bemusement as he wandered in from a pre-tournament practice session from an outside court.  Shortly thereafter he was seeking clarification on the new rule changes and immediately started practicing his serve into the first rows of the new Grand Stand Court. Passerby’s were alarmed to hear the fiberglass seats echoing around the new structure as McEnroe plastered the new seats with his famous wind up service motion.

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“Our market research shows that this underserved audience demanded changes that appealed to their core values” added Adams in the last year of her tenure as President.

With no further details on how the rules or point flow there is speculation that players will be able to use their mobile devices as part of their shot selection as well and activity monitors installed in each racquet.

Adult Tennis Managing Director Jeff Waters announced that the new courts and rules with a working title called: “Gray Area” will be revealed on the eve of the US Open starting Aug 28th.  The press conference will be via Reddit app with coupons with new US Open craft beer sponsor Monkey in a Trunk will be available to all that attend.

It’s not known what will happen to the lines persons and how matches will be officiated and if hawkeye technology will become obsolete.

The US Open draws will still be 128 for Men’s and Women’s singles but a new change will allow trophies for all participants.

Brian Lutz / Do You Want To Play In My Tennis Classes?

 

 

 

RAONIC HAIR SWEEPS MURRAY IN WIMBLEDON SUB FINAL.

THE LEMON: IMAGINATION SIX. TOLERANCE LOVE.

Wimbledon-In a laugher Milos Raonic sweeps Andy Murray’s follicles aside in Wimbledon Sub Final awarded to the best hair cut of the Championships.

Neophyte Wimbledon sponsor Super Cuts handed out the golden comb after the Royal Box emptied on Sunday to Canada’s Milos Raonic after his breezy 6-1, 6-2, 6-3 straights sets win over Andy Murray.  It was a lopsided contest for heavy favorite and Canada’s number one ranked tennis player and his famous Ready to Wed hair style. The meticulously  prepped damp hair with smoothing lotion overmatched the Birds Nest hairdo sported by Scotland’s finest tennis player.  Murray struggled throughout the match covering up his follicle deficiencies with his sponsor’s hat.

The finely cut 3mm grass courts on Center Court were an poignant backdrop for the new champion’s hair to shine.  The deep chestnut brown strands were blown dry with a Denman brush to smooth back the hair for optimum performance ideally coordinated with his aggressive baseline play.  The gentle smooth back finish is classic Ready To Wed style that awed those in attendance and watching from home on high definition televisions around the world.

Moments before the award presentation he neatly organized his racquets and towels and pulled out a small sprayer from his attache kit to finish with a light hold hairspray giving him subtle yet minimum shine after 98 minutes of on court action.

For bed head wearing Murray its back to the mirror before the American hard court seasons and Rio Olympics.

Written By:

Brian Lutz / “Come Play in My Group Tennis Lessons

 

 

WHITE TENNIS EDITOR SEEKS KEY TO HANDCUFFS

THE LEMON: IMAGINATION SIX. TOLERANCE LOVE.

Manhattan-The Daily Bugle based in NYC is seeking a Sports Editor to cover the sport of tennis. Here is their advertisement below.

Job Description:

National daily tabloid seeks multi-cultural candidate based in New York City or surrounding Tri-State area.  Seeking an editor to cover the sport of tennis. Candidate preferred to be neither white nor male so they can accurately depict objective perspective and shed light on the WTA Tour. Applicants should not be affiliated with any tennis acronym organizations such as USTA, ATP, NJTL, USPTA, PTR, WTA, Tennis Hall of Fame, Tennis Channel be a former player or be currently coaching a player.

Ideal candidate would be female, African American, bi, lesbian or transgender, over the hill, atheist and those with pre-existing medical conditions are encouraged to apply. We welcome all suppressed and repressed emotionally or symbolicaly and non privileged persons with a victim mentality to apply.

THE BEST OF JJ JAMESON 

Newspaper columns and blog entries will focus on lack of interest in the WTA product including lack luster tennis matches, player depth and annoying loud screeching of players during events with a focus on dwindling attendance and low television ratings.  Should have skills translating mundane interviews and politically correct answers into digestive and easy to consume words for our readers that are not influenced by corporate sponsors, affinity for racism or based in conflict of interest. Must offer perspective that is based in fact yet utilizes integrity, truth and perspective from all sides of the story.

Emphasis of writing style will entail topics including entertainment value, tournament results, sportsmanship, historical context and the personality profiles of the sport of tennis.  Interviewing skills and translations of bullshit responses in mostly English to questions are mandatory for the job. Some Spanglish speaking skills required and understanding of Russian pharmaceutical prescription medications.

Compensation: Negotiable based on your current weight, FICO score, number of LinkedIn friends and current career leverage.

Written by:

Brian Lutz / “Come Play Group Tennis Lessons

 

NIKE SPONSORS WIMBLEDON WITHOUT CONSENT

THE LEMON: IMAGINATION SIX. TOLERANCE LOVE.

Wimbledon- The notoriously meticulous All England Lawn Tennis Club (AELTC) has a history of limited corporate signage in association with the most famous tennis tournament known simply as Wimbledon.  An omnipresent Rolex clock has been the only visible brand on the hallowed Center Court for the last 25 years.

To the surprise of tournament officials, high above Center Court Nike in “an act of God” or some questionable new bio tech gases the sports giant has been able to sponsor the tournament with its very own distinguished branded cloud utilizing its familiar swoosh logo.  During breaks of sunshine the cloud would reappear as fans and onlookers wondered in astonishment if they had one too many Pimms as the static image grew in size and scope.

Tournament officials were not pleased and huddled together to come up with a solution.  Rufus the Hawk, utilized over the past several years to discourage the pigeons from polluting the grounds with their droppings was called into investigate the matter.  He flew around and through the cloud several times to no avail.

Soon global warming advocates wondered aloud if the gases produced to form the cloud were increasing Nike’s carbon footprint.  All of the attention was landing on Nike’s lap while promoting their controversial flimsy light fitting cloud like dress worn by some of their female starlet ambassadors during the 2016 fortnight.

Ironically, as another controversy brewed on Court 18 as the slighted five time champion Venus Williams was regulated to the 5th largest stadium at the club. Williams, a former Reebok ambassador, double faulted as her toss eclipsed directly under the cloud and sun creating a shadowy swish right on her brow and forehead.  Milliseconds later a double fault bounced feebly into the net.  Williams desperately challenged using the Hawkeye challenge system. As the murmurs reverberated into the media area nearby the mark showed a bounce 3 feet before the net on her side of the court.  The Nike cloud transposed right beside the mark in a fit of irony and superb branding.

Written by:

Brian Lutz / “Come Play In My Group Tennis Lessons

ZIP-IT.com SIGNS SHARAPOVA TO SPONSORSHIP DEAL DURING BAN

THE LEMON: IMAGINATION SIX. TOLERANCE LOVE.

Los Angeles, CA-The day after the announced 2-year ban by the International Tennis Federation for the use of the banned substance Meldonium Maria Sharapova announces strategic partnership with Zip-It.com.

“We are pleased to announce Maria Sharapova as brand ambassador for Zip It dot com.  We believe we will be a real asset to each other over the next 2 years and beyond,” announced V/P of Marketing Jared Miller.

A curious marketing alignment raised eyebrows in the tennis community as Zip-It  provides organic solutions for loud noises such as screaming and grunting along with it’s lifestyle services.  Long term twitter fan @MagnesiumForehand wondered: “Is this for her on court grunting?”

“As her attorney and our upcoming appeal with the Court of Arbitration of Sport I couldn’t be more pleased because the less she says the better for our case,” said her lawyer John Haggerty.

Empathetic fans have also come to her defense and have been sending support to her management team at the IMG headquarters in Cleveland, Ohio. “We have received much adoration from fans with gifts and advice.  Maria is very grateful for the outreach and affection,” her management team said in a carefully worded statement using double and triple spell check.

UPS and Fed Ex packages have been streaming into the offices and published on social media.  Some of the gifts included a electronic calendar with special grunt sounding notification for important dates such as Jan 1, 2016.  Some of the other gifts include high magnesium super foods including raw spinach, kale, soy beans and South American avocados and a dozen Thesauruses’.

Although Meldonium, also known as Mildronate, has no known scientific evidence to help low magnesium or diabetic sufferers sales have spiked in Moscow since her announcement as 27 Russian athletes from various sports have been suspended since the beginning of the year.

Just as Maria was ready to speak up about the benefits of placebo effect in using banned substances a helpful member of her Zip-It.com team member stepped in to stop her.

Written by:

Brian Lutz / “Come Play In My Group Tennis Lessons