WHITE TENNIS EDITOR SEEKS KEY TO HANDCUFFS

THE LEMON: IMAGINATION SIX. TOLERANCE LOVE.

Manhattan-The Daily Bugle based in NYC is seeking a Sports Editor to cover the sport of tennis. Here is their advertisement below.

Job Description:

National daily tabloid seeks multi-cultural candidate based in New York City or surrounding Tri-State area.  Seeking an editor to cover the sport of tennis. Candidate preferred to be neither white nor male so they can accurately depict objective perspective and shed light on the WTA Tour. Applicants should not be affiliated with any tennis acronym organizations such as USTA, ATP, NJTL, USPTA, PTR, WTA, Tennis Hall of Fame, Tennis Channel be a former player or be currently coaching a player.

Ideal candidate would be female, African American, bi, lesbian or transgender, over the hill, atheist and those with pre-existing medical conditions are encouraged to apply. We welcome all suppressed and repressed emotionally or symbolicaly and non privileged persons with a victim mentality to apply.

THE BEST OF JJ JAMESON 

Newspaper columns and blog entries will focus on lack of interest in the WTA product including lack luster tennis matches, player depth and annoying loud screeching of players during events with a focus on dwindling attendance and low television ratings.  Should have skills translating mundane interviews and politically correct answers into digestive and easy to consume words for our readers that are not influenced by corporate sponsors, affinity for racism or based in conflict of interest. Must offer perspective that is based in fact yet utilizes integrity, truth and perspective from all sides of the story.

Emphasis of writing style will entail topics including entertainment value, tournament results, sportsmanship, historical context and the personality profiles of the sport of tennis.  Interviewing skills and translations of bullshit responses in mostly English to questions are mandatory for the job. Some Spanglish speaking skills required and understanding of Russian pharmaceutical prescription medications.

Compensation: Negotiable based on your current weight, FICO score, number of LinkedIn friends and current career leverage.

Written by:

Brian Lutz / “Come Play Group Tennis Lessons

 

NIKE SPONSORS WIMBLEDON WITHOUT CONSENT

THE LEMON: IMAGINATION SIX. TOLERANCE LOVE.

Wimbledon- The notoriously meticulous All England Lawn Tennis Club (AELTC) has a history of limited corporate signage in association with the most famous tennis tournament known simply as Wimbledon.  An omnipresent Rolex clock has been the only visible brand on the hallowed Center Court for the last 25 years.

To the surprise of tournament officials, high above Center Court Nike in “an act of God” or some questionable new bio tech gases the sports giant has been able to sponsor the tournament with its very own distinguished branded cloud utilizing its familiar swoosh logo.  During breaks of sunshine the cloud would reappear as fans and onlookers wondered in astonishment if they had one too many Pimms as the static image grew in size and scope.

Tournament officials were not pleased and huddled together to come up with a solution.  Rufus the Hawk, utilized over the past several years to discourage the pigeons from polluting the grounds with their droppings was called into investigate the matter.  He flew around and through the cloud several times to no avail.

Soon global warming advocates wondered aloud if the gases produced to form the cloud were increasing Nike’s carbon footprint.  All of the attention was landing on Nike’s lap while promoting their controversial flimsy light fitting cloud like dress worn by some of their female starlet ambassadors during the 2016 fortnight.

Ironically, as another controversy brewed on Court 18 as the slighted five time champion Venus Williams was regulated to the 5th largest stadium at the club. Williams, a former Reebok ambassador, double faulted as her toss eclipsed directly under the cloud and sun creating a shadowy swish right on her brow and forehead.  Milliseconds later a double fault bounced feebly into the net.  Williams desperately challenged using the Hawkeye challenge system. As the murmurs reverberated into the media area nearby the mark showed a bounce 3 feet before the net on her side of the court.  The Nike cloud transposed right beside the mark in a fit of irony and superb branding.

Written by:

Brian Lutz / “Come Play In My Group Tennis Lessons

ZIP-IT.com SIGNS SHARAPOVA TO SPONSORSHIP DEAL DURING BAN

THE LEMON: IMAGINATION SIX. TOLERANCE LOVE.

Los Angeles, CA-The day after the announced 2-year ban by the International Tennis Federation for the use of the banned substance Meldonium Maria Sharapova announces strategic partnership with Zip-It.com.

“We are pleased to announce Maria Sharapova as brand ambassador for Zip It dot com.  We believe we will be a real asset to each other over the next 2 years and beyond,” announced V/P of Marketing Jared Miller.

A curious marketing alignment raised eyebrows in the tennis community as Zip-It  provides organic solutions for loud noises such as screaming and grunting along with it’s lifestyle services.  Long term twitter fan @MagnesiumForehand wondered: “Is this for her on court grunting?”

“As her attorney and our upcoming appeal with the Court of Arbitration of Sport I couldn’t be more pleased because the less she says the better for our case,” said her lawyer John Haggerty.

Empathetic fans have also come to her defense and have been sending support to her management team at the IMG headquarters in Cleveland, Ohio. “We have received much adoration from fans with gifts and advice.  Maria is very grateful for the outreach and affection,” her management team said in a carefully worded statement using double and triple spell check.

UPS and Fed Ex packages have been streaming into the offices and published on social media.  Some of the gifts included a electronic calendar with special grunt sounding notification for important dates such as Jan 1, 2016.  Some of the other gifts include high magnesium super foods including raw spinach, kale, soy beans and South American avocados and a dozen Thesauruses’.

Although Meldonium, also known as Mildronate, has no known scientific evidence to help low magnesium or diabetic sufferers sales have spiked in Moscow since her announcement as 27 Russian athletes from various sports have been suspended since the beginning of the year.

Just as Maria was ready to speak up about the benefits of placebo effect in using banned substances a helpful member of her Zip-It.com team member stepped in to stop her.

Written by:

Brian Lutz / “Come Play In My Group Tennis Lessons

6 TIPS FOR TENNIS CLUBS & PRO SHOPS THEY CAN’T IGNORE

Your John Hancock just got less important.  

American retailers are in catch up mode to become compliant with their merchant credit card processing from “swipe and sign” to “chip and pin”. Why the switch? And how does your club or pro shop reach compliance against fraud with as little headache as possible?

BAD NEWS

First the bad news, the compliance deadline was Oct 1, 2015.  In theory, if fraud happens on the machine in your tennis club without being compliant the bank will hold the merchant (club / pro shop) liable for the mess. If you are compliant, as before, the bank will handle the fraud and refunds to the affected parties.  Naturally, as a club or pro shop operator you don’t want that new burden.

GOOD NEWS

The good news is there are a lot of benefits and upside to becoming compliant while upgrading your merchant processing ecosystem that will save you money and potentially increase your cash flow depending how savvy you want to be.

Here are 6 tips to assessing and upgrading your merchant processing:

1. Contact or find a sales rep to help you understand your merchant status and form a game plan to become compliant.

2. See if you can find a processor that offer next day deposits to help your cash flow.  Most offer two days, but next day deposits are possible to find.

3. Upgrade to a chip reader with ‘chip and pin’ and traditional ‘sign and swipe’ feature to make sure your business is compliant and you can offer both services to your customers.

4. Make it easy for people to give you money. Upgrade to Mobile Cloud based Point of Sale (POS) systems.  As consumers become more comfortable with paying on their mobile device, a “frictionless experience” makes life more efficient for you and your customers.  Business owners can now conduct admin tasks anywhere outside the office with or without internet access and track daily or weekly sales.

5. Marketing Power:  A lot of companies now offer small businesses the ability to collect data to acquire and retain new customers within their payment gateway.  This is a great way to increase your brand exposure without major advertising cost.

6. Integrate Quickbooks with your payment processing gateway so bookkeeping is in sync and up to date for internal reports and the tax man.

SUMMARY

CreditCard.com calculated banks paid off $6 billion dollars in POS sale fraud in 2013 so they are motivated to lower this liability and want merchant and retails stores to be compliant.

Grab a hold of your last month’s statement and find a sales rep to help you assess your merchant solutions and most importantly reach compliance.

Written by:

Brian Lutz / “Come Play In My Group Tennis Lessons

 

FERRER ANNOUNCES BAN ON HITTING CROSS COURT

THE LEMON: IMAGINATION SIX. TOLERANCE LOVE.

Geneva-In an unusual proclamation long time Spanish tour veteran David Ferrer has declared a boycott on his most successful point pattern: cross court.  “I’ve really grown tired of this high percentage play.  It’s given me a lot of success over the years and I know this may be a shocker to a lot of people but I really think it’s time to move on.”

Ferrer, the 34 year old tennis stalwart, residing in the top ten for a decade hits 100% of his shots cross court according to MIT Sloan Analytics Intistitute.  “I even hit my inside out forehand cross court.  It’s just too much.  There is all of this other space on the court I’m not exploring that I want to visit before me career is over”.

When pointed out by an area reporter that his “inside in forehand technique” is a nifty weapon that has served him well Ferrer quipped: “It’s across my body so it still feels cross court to me”.  “It’s like winning chess matches with only utilizing your Bishop. All I do is go cross court all day long.  Do you know how mind numbing that can be after so many years on tour?”

The Valencia, Spain native has earned over $28 Million US dollars  in prize money and is currently ranked #12 on the ATP World Tour.  Currently there is no Guiness Book of World Records for hitting cross court but such mundane achievement naturally is not on the radar of the long time Spanish #2.

“I want to get away from hitting cross court.  I don’t want it to define me”.

Ferrer abruptly left the rectangular shaped press conference and headed to the door at a 45 degree angle and disappeared into a circular lobby.

Brian Lutz / Group Tennis Lessons

 

AMELIE COULDN’T FIND RIGHT FORMULA BABYSITTING ANDY MURRAY.

THE LEMON: IMAGINATION SIX. TOLERANCE LOVE.

Paris-The incessant crying was only so much she could take for Amelie Mauresmo.  She tried changing diapers, feeding times, lots of coddling and even re-arranging the seating arrangements in the players box but finally new mother and coach Amelie Mauresmo reached her tipping point and handed the 28 year old Andy Murray back to his mother Judy effectively resigning.

“As a new Mom I tried everything I could with Andy I just couldn’t seem to find the right formula. I tried powder, concentrated liquid and ready to feed liquid. He always seemed so unhappy on court. I never seen a player shit his shorts during matches as much as Andy.  His off court apologies became empty after awhile. I look forward to some sleepless nights and taking care of my own baby and the tireless satisfaction with the 2nd hardest job in the world, Motherhood.  I wish the best of luck to Andy and his growth in the future and finding a new coach to babysit him.”

Neo-feminist Murray summarized their partnership succinctly: “It was staggering and embarrassing how much criticism Amelie took each time I lost.  A woman should be treated like a man. I think my on court outburst towards my box prove my childish behavior has no gender barriers”.

Brian Lutz / Group Tennis Lessons