Brian Lutz / September 6, 2016

Flushing Meadows, Queens-HDL, LDL and wild card entry Triglycerides are the first three semifinalist of the US Open Food Court draw at the USTA Billy Jean King National Tennis Center.

One of the most under the radar events at this year’s US Open is in the animal kingdom as homo sapiens make their annual pilgrimage to the US Open food court.  This mano o mano standoff between the finely tuned orthodontics of modern man vs the American slaughtered solitary corn fed cow.

Growing crowds are starting to take notice as Sushi bar and Tapas were eliminated early in the tournament along with Angry Taco and Crepe Express even though the French are flourishing in the Men’s Open category. A fan favorite to make the last and final spot in the semi-finals is Caffeine as the coffee beans are flowing organically from barista’s since day one of the event along with the high fructose laden soda’s that don’t seem to be slowing down anytime soon.

Sex appeal isn't enough to carry fruit very far at the US Open.

Sex appeal isn’t enough to carry fruit very far at the US Open.

One barrier to entry for many healthy and organic food choices at the US Open is marketing budget and brand recognition.  As ambassador Chiquita Banana Lady explained: “It’s hard to super size our product”.  Not so in the LDL entrant which can upgrade orders with high margin efficiency.  Prime Burger feeds LDL steadily throughout the fortnight as 1% income earners in the box and luxury seats and 99% income earners both have equal access to the high LDL food choices that challenge healthy artery membrane structure.

“We strive for equality at the USTA and don’t believe anyone should be judged by their dietary lifestyle”, said a USTA spokesperson who wished to remain anonymous for this story.

The only common denominator that levels the playing field is price.  As soft pretzel, fries and hot dogs are just as expensive in the 300 level as any vitamin rich tuna sandwich available in the luxury suites.  Not surprisingly to many, the Heinken Red Star lounge stumbled in the second round of qualifying and the Grey Goose entrant Honey Deuce bowed out in the second round in a fit of irony carrying too much garnish.

As the USTA brand grows while trying to make tennis more accessible and healthy for American’s to participate in they continue on charging high prices for energy sources and dining experiences that keep the heart disease in the United States flourishing.

Las Vegas has the following odds on winning the cherished US Open food court prize:  Caffeine 1;2 LDL 3:1, HDL 5:1 followed by Triglycerides at 10:1.  “It’s hard to beat caffeine it’s in every beverage imaginable and has a clear hydration advantage over it’s beefy counter parts” says tournament director Brian Early.  Naturally, weather will be a key factor in the outcome.

On a alternative note: Wimbledon is in talks of holding a grass fed cow category at the 2020 Wimbledon showing clear foresight to the future of the game and healthy beef alternatives.

Brian Lutz

The Lemon: Imagination Six. Tolerance Love.