RAONIC HAIR SWEEPS MURRAY IN WIMBLEDON SUB FINAL.

THE LEMON: IMAGINATION SIX. TOLERANCE LOVE.

Wimbledon-In a laugher Milos Raonic sweeps Andy Murray’s follicles aside in Wimbledon Sub Final awarded to the best hair cut of the Championships.

Neophyte Wimbledon sponsor Super Cuts handed out the golden comb after the Royal Box emptied on Sunday to Canada’s Milos Raonic after his breezy 6-1, 6-2, 6-3 straights sets win over Andy Murray.  It was a lopsided contest for heavy favorite and Canada’s number one ranked tennis player and his famous Ready to Wed hair style. The meticulously  prepped damp hair with smoothing lotion overmatched the Birds Nest hairdo sported by Scotland’s finest tennis player.  Murray struggled throughout the match covering up his follicle deficiencies with his sponsor’s hat.

The finely cut 3mm grass courts on Center Court were an poignant backdrop for the new champion’s hair to shine.  The deep chestnut brown strands were blown dry with a Denman brush to smooth back the hair for optimum performance ideally coordinated with his aggressive baseline play.  The gentle smooth back finish is classic Ready To Wed style that awed those in attendance and watching from home on high definition televisions around the world.

Moments before the award presentation he neatly organized his racquets and towels and pulled out a small sprayer from his attache kit to finish with a light hold hairspray giving him subtle yet minimum shine after 98 minutes of on court action.

For bed head wearing Murray its back to the mirror before the American hard court seasons and Rio Olympics.

Written By:

Brian Lutz / “Come Play in My Group Tennis Lessons

 

 

WHITE TENNIS EDITOR SEEKS KEY TO HANDCUFFS

THE LEMON: IMAGINATION SIX. TOLERANCE LOVE.

Manhattan-The Daily Bugle based in NYC is seeking a Sports Editor to cover the sport of tennis. Here is their advertisement below.

Job Description:

National daily tabloid seeks multi-cultural candidate based in New York City or surrounding Tri-State area.  Seeking an editor to cover the sport of tennis. Candidate preferred to be neither white nor male so they can accurately depict objective perspective and shed light on the WTA Tour. Applicants should not be affiliated with any tennis acronym organizations such as USTA, ATP, NJTL, USPTA, PTR, WTA, Tennis Hall of Fame, Tennis Channel be a former player or be currently coaching a player.

Ideal candidate would be female, African American, bi, lesbian or transgender, over the hill, atheist and those with pre-existing medical conditions are encouraged to apply. We welcome all suppressed and repressed emotionally or symbolicaly and non privileged persons with a victim mentality to apply.

THE BEST OF JJ JAMESON 

Newspaper columns and blog entries will focus on lack of interest in the WTA product including lack luster tennis matches, player depth and annoying loud screeching of players during events with a focus on dwindling attendance and low television ratings.  Should have skills translating mundane interviews and politically correct answers into digestive and easy to consume words for our readers that are not influenced by corporate sponsors, affinity for racism or based in conflict of interest. Must offer perspective that is based in fact yet utilizes integrity, truth and perspective from all sides of the story.

Emphasis of writing style will entail topics including entertainment value, tournament results, sportsmanship, historical context and the personality profiles of the sport of tennis.  Interviewing skills and translations of bullshit responses in mostly English to questions are mandatory for the job. Some Spanglish speaking skills required and understanding of Russian pharmaceutical prescription medications.

Compensation: Negotiable based on your current weight, FICO score, number of LinkedIn friends and current career leverage.

Written by:

Brian Lutz / “Come Play Group Tennis Lessons

 

NIKE SPONSORS WIMBLEDON WITHOUT CONSENT

THE LEMON: IMAGINATION SIX. TOLERANCE LOVE.

Wimbledon- The notoriously meticulous All England Lawn Tennis Club (AELTC) has a history of limited corporate signage in association with the most famous tennis tournament known simply as Wimbledon.  An omnipresent Rolex clock has been the only visible brand on the hallowed Center Court for the last 25 years.

To the surprise of tournament officials, high above Center Court Nike in “an act of God” or some questionable new bio tech gases the sports giant has been able to sponsor the tournament with its very own distinguished branded cloud utilizing its familiar swoosh logo.  During breaks of sunshine the cloud would reappear as fans and onlookers wondered in astonishment if they had one too many Pimms as the static image grew in size and scope.

Tournament officials were not pleased and huddled together to come up with a solution.  Rufus the Hawk, utilized over the past several years to discourage the pigeons from polluting the grounds with their droppings was called into investigate the matter.  He flew around and through the cloud several times to no avail.

Soon global warming advocates wondered aloud if the gases produced to form the cloud were increasing Nike’s carbon footprint.  All of the attention was landing on Nike’s lap while promoting their controversial flimsy light fitting cloud like dress worn by some of their female starlet ambassadors during the 2016 fortnight.

Ironically, as another controversy brewed on Court 18 as the slighted five time champion Venus Williams was regulated to the 5th largest stadium at the club. Williams, a former Reebok ambassador, double faulted as her toss eclipsed directly under the cloud and sun creating a shadowy swish right on her brow and forehead.  Milliseconds later a double fault bounced feebly into the net.  Williams desperately challenged using the Hawkeye challenge system. As the murmurs reverberated into the media area nearby the mark showed a bounce 3 feet before the net on her side of the court.  The Nike cloud transposed right beside the mark in a fit of irony and superb branding.

Written by:

Brian Lutz / “Come Play In My Group Tennis Lessons