FERRER ANNOUNCES BAN ON HITTING CROSS COURT

THE LEMON: IMAGINATION SIX. TOLERANCE LOVE.

Geneva-In an unusual proclamation long time Spanish tour veteran David Ferrer has declared a boycott on his most successful point pattern: cross court.  “I’ve really grown tired of this high percentage play.  It’s given me a lot of success over the years and I know this may be a shocker to a lot of people but I really think it’s time to move on.”

Ferrer, the 34 year old tennis stalwart, residing in the top ten for a decade hits 100% of his shots cross court according to MIT Sloan Analytics Intistitute.  “I even hit my inside out forehand cross court.  It’s just too much.  There is all of this other space on the court I’m not exploring that I want to visit before me career is over”.

When pointed out by an area reporter that his “inside in forehand technique” is a nifty weapon that has served him well Ferrer quipped: “It’s across my body so it still feels cross court to me”.  “It’s like winning chess matches with only utilizing your Bishop. All I do is go cross court all day long.  Do you know how mind numbing that can be after so many years on tour?”

The Valencia, Spain native has earned over $28 Million US dollars  in prize money and is currently ranked #12 on the ATP World Tour.  Currently there is no Guiness Book of World Records for hitting cross court but such mundane achievement naturally is not on the radar of the long time Spanish #2.

“I want to get away from hitting cross court.  I don’t want it to define me”.

Ferrer abruptly left the rectangular shaped press conference and headed to the door at a 45 degree angle and disappeared into a circular lobby.

Brian Lutz / Group Tennis Lessons

 

AMELIE COULDN’T FIND RIGHT FORMULA BABYSITTING ANDY MURRAY.

THE LEMON: IMAGINATION SIX. TOLERANCE LOVE.

Paris-The incessant crying was only so much she could take for Amelie Mauresmo.  She tried changing diapers, feeding times, lots of coddling and even re-arranging the seating arrangements in the players box but finally new mother and coach Amelie Mauresmo reached her tipping point and handed the 28 year old Andy Murray back to his mother Judy effectively resigning.

“As a new Mom I tried everything I could with Andy I just couldn’t seem to find the right formula. I tried powder, concentrated liquid and ready to feed liquid. He always seemed so unhappy on court. I never seen a player shit his shorts during matches as much as Andy.  His off court apologies became empty after awhile. I look forward to some sleepless nights and taking care of my own baby and the tireless satisfaction with the 2nd hardest job in the world, Motherhood.  I wish the best of luck to Andy and his growth in the future and finding a new coach to babysit him.”

Neo-feminist Murray summarized their partnership succinctly: “It was staggering and embarrassing how much criticism Amelie took each time I lost.  A woman should be treated like a man. I think my on court outburst towards my box prove my childish behavior has no gender barriers”.

Brian Lutz / Group Tennis Lessons

 

WTA STARTS ADDING BALL PERSONS TO ATTENDANCE TOTALS

THE LEMON: IMAGINATION SIX. TOLERANCE LOVE.

Indian Wells, CA- Ray Moore must be feeling self-righteous after reading the news over a Virgin Bloody Mary this morning.  The Women’s Tennis Association has updated how they will calculate attendance figures at all women’s tennis matches starting at the the next years 2017 Indian Wells event.

“It has come to our attention that everyone that enjoys a tennis match should be counted.  It is the civil liberty for all in attendance whether paid staff, volunteer or ball person should count towards attendance figures.  We want to accurately reflect the cyclical popularity of our sport”.  WTA CEO Steve Simon made the announcement during and impromptu press conference where all reporters in attendance matched the recent WTA Baku event.

The WTA will be setting up Hawkeye technology on all egress points surrounding women’s main draw tennis matches to accurately reflect our assets that will include live reporting for all to see during changeovers.

Brian Lutz / Group Tennis Lessons

 

WIMBLEDON BANS UNCLE TONY’S UBIQUITOUS BASEBALL CAP

THE LEMON: IMAGINATION SIX. TOLERANCE LOVE.

Wimbledon-All England Lawn Tennis Tennis & Croquet Club Board of Directors announces banning of Tony Nadal’s hat during broadcast tennis matches for Rafael Nadal.  “Uncle Tony” as he is known around the circuit and long time coach of 2x Wimbledon Champ will no longer be able to wear his ubiquitous baseball cap at the Championships.

Board member, The Lord O’Donnell GCB KCB, made the official announcement citing the need to keep sponsor logos and commercialism to a minimum to preserve the great heritage of the event.  Fellow Board Member Tim Henman, agreed to speak to the press utilizing his full name rather than the traditional letter abbreviations of his first and middle name. “While we appreciate the commercial appeal of our sport we have to draw the line here. We are not a NASCAR event.”

The sponsor, Iberostar Hotel & Resorts, PR representative was unavailable to comment because of a scheduled massage somewhere in the Canary Islands.  Reporters were notified to try calling back after Siesta.

Brian Lutz / Group Tennis Lessons